A magician performing a trick, representing the sleight of hand of vanity metrics

That number went straight into the monthly report. Nobody asked whether any of the 30 brought in a single signup, because 30 is the satisfying number and the signup is the hard one.

This is the newest version of an old problem. Marketing dashboards measure activity and call it progress.

I run a test on every metric before it earns a spot: if this number changes, do we make a different decision? If the answer is no, it’s decoration.

Impressions fail that test almost every time. They go up and to the right no matter what you do. I’ve watched a post hit 40,000 impressions and bring in zero new members. The chart looks like a win but the bank account disagrees.

There’s a reason the junk metrics are the ones that show up. They’re the ones the tools hand you for free. “Posts generated” and “hours saved” come pre-counted. “Inquiry-to-signup rate” doesn’t, because it lives across three systems that have to be wired together first: the ad platform, the form, the CRM. The useful number takes plumbing. The decorative one takes a screenshot.

At the Y, I track the smaller, uglier set on purpose. Cost per inquiry. Inquiry-to-signup rate. Which channel actually fed the people who walked through the door. Slower to move, and the only ones a director should care about.

Before you add AI’s output to your reporting, name the decision it’s supposed to inform. If you can’t, you’re measuring activity.

What’s one metric on your dashboard that’s pure decoration?